Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 4 - CLEAN IT OFF WITH A SPOON

And so Guy began to spoon away his shit from his pants. He remembered what his two dads had told him in his youth,

“Always spoon away from the anus, or else you’ll enjoy the feeling too much.”

“Fuck those shitheads”, Guy thought. He was a real Dragonslayer and not some faked-homo-shit-shit of a bitch-tits. So Guy spooned into his anus, and god damn, did he enjoy the feeling. He didn’t know what was causing the sensation, but he assumed it was his shit. He decided to eat some of it so that he could feel empowered. After successfully, spooning down two pieces of shit, he realized he needed something to drink. He rolled over to his kitchen and found his electronic dick pump. Guy attached the pump to his half-an-inch micropenis and turned the setting to:

LOW

OR

HIGH

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 3 - TELL THE MAN TO GO AWAY

The man looks with a solemn face at Guy one last time, and then walks away into the hot breasts of the day.
"What a homogay that was," thought Guy. Guy considered what to do now. He looked around and realized that he was stuck inside his room. He panicked for a second but then relaxed. Guy finally considered taking a shit, so he got up to do it. When he got up he realized it was dark as fuck all of a sudden. Guy realized that 5 hours had passed since the man had left him and that he had already shit his pants 2 separate times. "Shit," he thought to himself. "How am I going to clean this up..."

IGNORE THE MASSIVE SHIT STAIN ON YOUR ASS

OR

CLEAN IT OFF WITH A SPOON

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 3 - ASK THE MAN TO SHOW YOU HIS CANS

The small man looks up into Guy's eyes and lets out one sole effeminate fart of glee, as he takes out a sack - smothered in fecal matter and burgers - and begins to show Guy his collection of cans.
"I only have 238 right now, please sir, give me all you can," the small faggot says while kneeling over Guy, crying to himself hysterically while continually letting out many small farts. Guy looks at the cans; some are nice cans, others are bad cans, and some are not cans at all. It was a fine collection, though, Guy had to admit that. This cause was a just one, he figured. Then he remembered that he was out of vodka to smoke and had a marijuana hangover. Guy slapped the man. They looked each other in the eyes. The man whimpered. Guy took off his pants, letting wild his uncontainable neanderthal dick.

RAPE THE SMALL MAN

OR

JUST GIVE HIM THOSE SHITTY CANS

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 2 - LET THE MAN LET HIM OUTSIDE

Guy gets the man and tapes him to the window. Then he slowly moves his butt really close to his face. Just as the butt is about to touch a ferrari drives through the wall, badly injuring both of them. The man acts relieved that he didn't have to touch the butt of Guy but secretly he is disappointed. They casually check themselves into the hospital and lie down in their beds casually. One day after the man takes a shit he checks his bed pan and discovers a large blue dragon egg. Guy quickly snatches it away.

EAT THE EGG

OR

CRACK OPEN THE EGG

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 2 - LET THE MAN INSIDE

Guy tells the man that he can come inside. The man steps in , introduces himself as Dope Really and then asks for Guys cans of weed. He explains how he is very poor and has a bad bad job going around and collecting cans of anything. If he can get 400 cans today he can go home and have sex with his dirty wife, but if he fails to match that number then he must eat all of the cans he has and start over tomorrow. He gets down on his knees and begins to kiss Guys feet.

ASK THE MAN TO SHOW YOU HIS CANS

OR

TELL THE MAN TO GO AWAY

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 1

Guy Dragonslayer woke the fuck up on the ground. "Motherfucker, I need to stop drinking so god damn much weed", Guy thought to himself straining in very unnatural ways his neck to look up at the open window. The sun was bright as shit and Guy just fucking couldn't comprehend why the shit it was open to light. He never opens the window, all his shitting/rolling on the floor is done in complete darkness and in the various corners and small spaces of the log cabin he had become trapped in. Trapped in because he forgot he could open a fucking window like a human being and not some sort of animal man permanently handicapped by grievous head wounds that require copious amounts of weed to manage the pain. The emotional pain of being sexually wrecked by a dragon. But he got laid. And his head caved in by a dragon being raped, in a head caving way that only a dragon being sexually assaulted can. But he got laid so doesn't matter. So yeah anyways he was looking right the fuck up at the top of the bathroom ceiling he had been sleeping in, just covered in all his filth and weed cans, at this tiny crumpled man in a green cap looking down at him. He was smiling like some kind of smiler. His leathery old face puffed in and out with heavy breathes almost like he was running. To or from what, Guy didn't know. But Guy had a good idea why. Then old mexican asked if Guy could open the window for him really quick and let him inside. "Fuck you dude let me out first", Guy said back smoothly like the way Mr. Bean always imagined he'd say shit but never did in the movies. Guy then…

LET THE MAN INSIDE

OR

LET THE MAN LET HIM OUTSIDE

A Dragon Story

It was a dark and stormy night. Everything was still. There was a guy sitting in the bushes. A carriage rode by and on that carriage were some very angry people. They didn't know the man was there, so they began to yell at each other. Lightning struck and the woman noticed the man in the bushes. She yelled and told him to come out of the bushes. He started walking in the opposite direction. When he came upon a creek he could still hear the yelling woman, but very faintly and it only seemed to grow quieter. He stuck his hands in the water and it was very cold. It was then that he briefly considered suicide, but he couldn't decide on a way to do it so he just kept walking alongside the creek. After a while it quit raining and he decided to walk back towards the road, but before he got there something bright flew through the trees. He walked over towards it and saw that it was an egg. He then tried to crack that egg, and a dragon spilled out.

DRAGON: Hello, I am the dragon of chaos.

GUY: I'm trying to get back to the road.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Which direction is it?

GUY: *points*

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Why do you want to go there?

GUY: I don't really know, it probably leads to a town.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: You don't know if it does or not?

GUY: No, not really.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: How do you know there's a road there then? Have you been there before?

GUY: Yes I was just there.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: How did you get there?

GUY: I don't know.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: What do you mean?

GUY: I mean I don't know. Listen, how did you end up here?

DRAGON OF CHAOS: I couldn't see anything, I had no idea what was happening.

GUY: We're both so clueless

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Yeah

GUY: Would you like to go to the road with me?

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Yeah

So Guy and the dragon walked back to the road. When they arrived the sun was beginning to rise.

DRAGON: I think I can fly, but I haven't tried yet.

GUY: You should try

DRAGON: Alright

The dragon flew a little bit.

GUY: Alright, let me get on you.

Guy got on the dragon and they flew up really high. They saw some smokestacks coming from a house in the middle of the forest, and decided to head towards it. When they landed in front a big man walked outside.

BIG MAN: Go away.

The Dragon of Chaos then blasted him with a chaos beam and licked up his ashes. When he swallowed them he shivered a little. Guy went into the house and found a beautiful woman sleeping on the couch with a book on her lap. He awoke her with a kiss and then they had sex. The dragon gave her a potion which shortens pregnancy to nine hours. A few hours later they had sex again. Then in the evening as she became ready to birth the child Guy carried her up to the bathtub. The baby was stuck so they got the dragon to stick his tail through the bathroom window and slap it onto her baby to push it out. He did and all they heard was a cracking noise. Guy grew impatient and reached in to pull it out. It wasn't a baby, it was another egg.

GUY: I'm going to crack this egg a little more so the dragon can get out.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Don't you do it.

GUY: I'm going to do it.

Guy cracked the egg and the dragon inside of it was the Dragon of Water. This is Guys least favorite element so he decided to just kill the dragon. He was really tired by then since he hadn't slept at all the night before.

GUY: Hey look, I'm a little tired.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Why did you kill that dragon?

GUY: Why does it matter? Do you really fucking care about a stupid dragon of water?

DRAGON OF CHAOS: You're so insensitive.

GUY: Fuck off, I'm going to go to sleep. Hey lady, care for another round before bedtime?

LADY: No, you killed my dragon.

GUY: Fuck both of you, fuck your mothers. I'm going to go downstairs.

Guy walked downstairs and crawled into bed and it was there that he once again considered suicide, but he fell asleep instead. When he woke up neither the Dragon of Chaos or the Lady were there anymore. When he went outside he found one of the dragons poops and he started crying. He ended up living in that house for twenty years or so until he decided to head into town to find a wife. He found one and they stayed together all their lives. They were only sort of happy.

A day in the life of Jack

Today began like a lot of days have lately, I got out of bed thinking that I had slept in way too late when really it was only 10 AM. The only reason I was even worried about sleeping in was because I had made some plans to spend time with Savannah. It wasn't for sure though, so I tried not to get my hopes up too high. It's kind of impossible not to. I booted up the computer and got on facebook to talk to her. It's not my preferred method of communication but it's better than nothing. We chatted a little, made some lovey remarks. She told me how she had a migraine. I could tell she wasn't feeling her best, and it made me sad that I couldn't make her feel better. She was at her dads house, waiting to be picked up by her mother so they could go to her vintage clothing store. This made me feel a little better since her mothers store is only a few blocks away from my house and I could easily walk there to bring her back. I still tried to keep myself from getting my hopes up, and it's a good thing I did. We both found out that her mothers store isn't even open on mondays and that her mother was actually taking her to target. Savannah never plans things out, even if you tell her to. By now I'm a little used to this disappointment and I don't hold it against her. I like her the way she is. Barring these events, I had a pretty good day. After quite a bit of time spent doing nothing, I got a few texts from her explaining how we could for sure spend the day together tomorrow. I'm going to give her all of the warmth I have in my body. My mood is the best it's been all day and I'm beginning work on a short stop-motion movie.

A day in the life of Ben.

I woke up today at 6 in the morning and then set my alarm clock to go off at 6:10. I was in bed for 10 minutes enjoying myself and then the alarm clock rang again. I set the alarm clock for 6:20 and enjoyed it a bit more. Then when it rang again I finally got up and went to take a shower. I usually don’t take showers so early.

I went to school around 8:30 or so and my first class started at 8:45. My first class was English and nothing happened in it at all.

My second class of the day was chemistry and we had to do a lab. I was assigned with two girls and we had to burn things and watch as they burned, then make up random things about what happened when they burnt. One girl kept trying to work the Bunsen burner but couldn’t get it going. She did eventually, though. The flame was too big and I told her she would burn the test tube that was being burnt but she just did it anyways (I later checked and it was quite burnt.) Later we had to burn some ethanol in a dish and she played around with the dish of burning ethanol. I told her to be careful, and stop messing around with it. “Don’t be so scared, it’s just fire,” she said. I was about to tell her that it wasn’t so much the fire more that I didn’t want to break the dish, but then immediately after she said that she dropped the dish full of burning ethanol and it got all over the floor. I stared at the table for a bit after that.

The next class of the day was psychology and we had a substitute. Immediately before entering the class I had a friend leave the class, look at me, give a thumbs up, and state, “Best substitute ever.” He was a young black man who laughed at everything. It took us about 15 minutes to do the roll because he made all of us spell out our names. When he got to me I stuttered while saying the j in “Benjamin.” I am not good at speaking. He asked for my middle initial and I felt depressed for a second and then answered “E.” The rest of the time we did nothing. I studied for a history quiz.

Next was Algebra II, where we went over a test. I got a 93 A on it. I was supposed to have gotten an 85 B, but everyone else did very badly and I ended up getting a 93 A. He gave us back the tests to go over them. I spent the whole class drawing a map of Europe onto the test. At the end of class he asked to pick them back up. When I handed mine to him I told him, “I hope you like geography,” but he didn’t seem to care. The guy next to me laughed a lot. It was a great drawing.

My fifth class is US history. We had a quiz today on the civil war, and a lot of people did badly. I’m not sure what I got on it but it was probably pretty bad. Afterwards my teacher talked about how he thought Stonewall Jackson probably had Asperger’s. He talked about Sherman killing southerners and I laughed. Everyone looked at me for a second.

After fifth period I had lunch, where I sat around on the grass with Asians. I ate a sandwich and had some of a kid’s fries.

My sixth class of the day was engineering where I played tetris the entire time while looking out to see if the teacher was watching.

My seventh class of the day was Latin and it was extremely boring. We pointed out verbs and named their person and number. I felt like I was dying. It was really boring. It went by very slowly. Afterwards I told the redheaded Jew next to me that the class was only getting worse and more depressing as time went on.

I came home around 3:45 PM and upon arriving I ate a Clementine and played Europa Universalis III. I had pizza for dinner around 5:30.

2 Poems by Jack Seely

Education

How do you live with yourself

You act like such a slob

You live in your own filth

You don't have a job

You should apply yourself

Your grades are so low

Why don't you make an attempt

To not be bad at doing assignments

Did I ever tell you that I am satan

I have plans to kill you

But not right now

Right now I'm just teaching you to respect your elders

I am also convincing you to go to college

Listen to your grandmother when she says

That it's the best time of your life

I don't encourage drinking but if you want to drink, that's okay

I'm not gonna try to stop you if you're gonna do it anyways

And at the end of the year

Make sure to turn in all of your textbooks

And it's okay to look at porn a few times

But it's addictive so watch out

Girl Wants Attention

I saw this girl at lunch

She was sitting at my table

She had a scene haircut

She was queen of the table

Some kid went to the trash can

And said he saw a bee

At the trash can

The bee flew away from the trash can

It flew towards the girl

And she freaked out and ran around

I don't think she was actually scared

I think she just wanted attention