Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 4 - RAPE THE SMALL MAN

Guy decides to rape the small man. He says “I think your can needs opening,” and watches the mixture of fear and bewilderment grow in his eyes. Guy tears off his clothes and then the man’s. The man wants to resist at first, but then he is beguiled by Guy’s fiercely huge dick and balls. Guy feels wild, but not cruel. He would not just simply jump into things. He cradled one of the man’s tits in his hand and whispered sweet nothings into his ear as he ravaged his ass into a bloody, soupy mess. As he thrusted, ramming the man’s face into the floor, Guy wished he had a blunt. He felt bad ramming his humongous dong so far up the man’s ass that it would definitely do permanent if not fatal damage. He felt the dragon rising…

DESTROY THIS MAN’S ASSHOLE AND HIS LIFE

or

PULL OUT

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 3 - CRACK OPEN THE EGG

Guy squats next to a perfectly good chair and arches his back over the egg. This is the least shit-smeared he's been in days. He wasn't having hot neurochemical sex in his mind with his disgusting mistress he loathes but ejaculates dopamine with because she's cheap and he likes to party, weed. Marijuana in its native latin tongue. Completely out of his element, it's no surprise the egg laying man was caught Guy off guard with a swipe between the legs. Grabbing his junk, the man quickly pulled Guy by his testicles and penis onto his stomach from behind. His loss of his center of gravity forced Guy to smash the egg with all his weight. Guy rolled off his egg smeared chest and stared at the man with shitting intensity, then he forced a smile awkwardly as if his impacted colon was now on TV and he had to act like he was joking or everyone would think he's weird. "Joke's on you faggot, I was going to do that to myself anyways." Guy's words strained through his clenched jaw like he was making Fuck You Spaghetti with them, and slowly they reached the man's brain and draped like penises over handrails onto his neural pathways until he slowly came to the connection that made it all make sense. "SHIT", yelled the man, recruiting his entire upper body into the yell as if to make his words more powerful, or possibly cheer his bowel movement on, "I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS".

FUCK HIM UP

OR

SHOW HIM HOW STRONG YOU REALLY ARE

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer - HIGH

Guy moaned out a hard and crusty moan. "Holy jesus tits. Fuck." He said. He had pumped his poor microflesh limpy dicky into a state of perpetual godhood, and was now filling the jar with a healthy serving of man-milk. "This is gonna be some tasty shit goddamn" he said to himself while still ejaculating into the jar forcefully with the power of Zeus.
And that's when it happened, Guy Dragonslayer reached a moment of amazing orgasm so god-like and lovely that few have ever attained it and lived, and the few that do shit an egg. Guy did that. He shit out a nasty, big, fucking egg. A real fucking hard ass egg right out his fucking tight, virgin, sweet, lovely, hairy, nice ass. It came right the fuck out of it. "Holy shit fuck," Guy said to himself as it came out of his poor ass which had turned into a fecal-ridden man-vagina. After finally ejaculating his last bit Guy looked at the egg. It was a blue motherfucking dragon egg. "Fuck, shit. Fuck," Guy said. The fuck would he do with this shit?

EAT THE EGG

OR

CRACK OPEN THE EGG

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 4 - CLEAN IT OFF WITH A SPOON

And so Guy began to spoon away his shit from his pants. He remembered what his two dads had told him in his youth,

“Always spoon away from the anus, or else you’ll enjoy the feeling too much.”

“Fuck those shitheads”, Guy thought. He was a real Dragonslayer and not some faked-homo-shit-shit of a bitch-tits. So Guy spooned into his anus, and god damn, did he enjoy the feeling. He didn’t know what was causing the sensation, but he assumed it was his shit. He decided to eat some of it so that he could feel empowered. After successfully, spooning down two pieces of shit, he realized he needed something to drink. He rolled over to his kitchen and found his electronic dick pump. Guy attached the pump to his half-an-inch micropenis and turned the setting to:

LOW

OR

HIGH

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 3 - TELL THE MAN TO GO AWAY

The man looks with a solemn face at Guy one last time, and then walks away into the hot breasts of the day.
"What a homogay that was," thought Guy. Guy considered what to do now. He looked around and realized that he was stuck inside his room. He panicked for a second but then relaxed. Guy finally considered taking a shit, so he got up to do it. When he got up he realized it was dark as fuck all of a sudden. Guy realized that 5 hours had passed since the man had left him and that he had already shit his pants 2 separate times. "Shit," he thought to himself. "How am I going to clean this up..."

IGNORE THE MASSIVE SHIT STAIN ON YOUR ASS

OR

CLEAN IT OFF WITH A SPOON

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 3 - ASK THE MAN TO SHOW YOU HIS CANS

The small man looks up into Guy's eyes and lets out one sole effeminate fart of glee, as he takes out a sack - smothered in fecal matter and burgers - and begins to show Guy his collection of cans.
"I only have 238 right now, please sir, give me all you can," the small faggot says while kneeling over Guy, crying to himself hysterically while continually letting out many small farts. Guy looks at the cans; some are nice cans, others are bad cans, and some are not cans at all. It was a fine collection, though, Guy had to admit that. This cause was a just one, he figured. Then he remembered that he was out of vodka to smoke and had a marijuana hangover. Guy slapped the man. They looked each other in the eyes. The man whimpered. Guy took off his pants, letting wild his uncontainable neanderthal dick.

RAPE THE SMALL MAN

OR

JUST GIVE HIM THOSE SHITTY CANS

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 2 - LET THE MAN LET HIM OUTSIDE

Guy gets the man and tapes him to the window. Then he slowly moves his butt really close to his face. Just as the butt is about to touch a ferrari drives through the wall, badly injuring both of them. The man acts relieved that he didn't have to touch the butt of Guy but secretly he is disappointed. They casually check themselves into the hospital and lie down in their beds casually. One day after the man takes a shit he checks his bed pan and discovers a large blue dragon egg. Guy quickly snatches it away.

EAT THE EGG

OR

CRACK OPEN THE EGG

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 2 - LET THE MAN INSIDE

Guy tells the man that he can come inside. The man steps in , introduces himself as Dope Really and then asks for Guys cans of weed. He explains how he is very poor and has a bad bad job going around and collecting cans of anything. If he can get 400 cans today he can go home and have sex with his dirty wife, but if he fails to match that number then he must eat all of the cans he has and start over tomorrow. He gets down on his knees and begins to kiss Guys feet.

ASK THE MAN TO SHOW YOU HIS CANS

OR

TELL THE MAN TO GO AWAY

Choose Your Own Adventure: Guy Dragonslayer Pt. 1

Guy Dragonslayer woke the fuck up on the ground. "Motherfucker, I need to stop drinking so god damn much weed", Guy thought to himself straining in very unnatural ways his neck to look up at the open window. The sun was bright as shit and Guy just fucking couldn't comprehend why the shit it was open to light. He never opens the window, all his shitting/rolling on the floor is done in complete darkness and in the various corners and small spaces of the log cabin he had become trapped in. Trapped in because he forgot he could open a fucking window like a human being and not some sort of animal man permanently handicapped by grievous head wounds that require copious amounts of weed to manage the pain. The emotional pain of being sexually wrecked by a dragon. But he got laid. And his head caved in by a dragon being raped, in a head caving way that only a dragon being sexually assaulted can. But he got laid so doesn't matter. So yeah anyways he was looking right the fuck up at the top of the bathroom ceiling he had been sleeping in, just covered in all his filth and weed cans, at this tiny crumpled man in a green cap looking down at him. He was smiling like some kind of smiler. His leathery old face puffed in and out with heavy breathes almost like he was running. To or from what, Guy didn't know. But Guy had a good idea why. Then old mexican asked if Guy could open the window for him really quick and let him inside. "Fuck you dude let me out first", Guy said back smoothly like the way Mr. Bean always imagined he'd say shit but never did in the movies. Guy then…

LET THE MAN INSIDE

OR

LET THE MAN LET HIM OUTSIDE

A Dragon Story

It was a dark and stormy night. Everything was still. There was a guy sitting in the bushes. A carriage rode by and on that carriage were some very angry people. They didn't know the man was there, so they began to yell at each other. Lightning struck and the woman noticed the man in the bushes. She yelled and told him to come out of the bushes. He started walking in the opposite direction. When he came upon a creek he could still hear the yelling woman, but very faintly and it only seemed to grow quieter. He stuck his hands in the water and it was very cold. It was then that he briefly considered suicide, but he couldn't decide on a way to do it so he just kept walking alongside the creek. After a while it quit raining and he decided to walk back towards the road, but before he got there something bright flew through the trees. He walked over towards it and saw that it was an egg. He then tried to crack that egg, and a dragon spilled out.

DRAGON: Hello, I am the dragon of chaos.

GUY: I'm trying to get back to the road.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Which direction is it?

GUY: *points*

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Why do you want to go there?

GUY: I don't really know, it probably leads to a town.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: You don't know if it does or not?

GUY: No, not really.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: How do you know there's a road there then? Have you been there before?

GUY: Yes I was just there.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: How did you get there?

GUY: I don't know.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: What do you mean?

GUY: I mean I don't know. Listen, how did you end up here?

DRAGON OF CHAOS: I couldn't see anything, I had no idea what was happening.

GUY: We're both so clueless

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Yeah

GUY: Would you like to go to the road with me?

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Yeah

So Guy and the dragon walked back to the road. When they arrived the sun was beginning to rise.

DRAGON: I think I can fly, but I haven't tried yet.

GUY: You should try

DRAGON: Alright

The dragon flew a little bit.

GUY: Alright, let me get on you.

Guy got on the dragon and they flew up really high. They saw some smokestacks coming from a house in the middle of the forest, and decided to head towards it. When they landed in front a big man walked outside.

BIG MAN: Go away.

The Dragon of Chaos then blasted him with a chaos beam and licked up his ashes. When he swallowed them he shivered a little. Guy went into the house and found a beautiful woman sleeping on the couch with a book on her lap. He awoke her with a kiss and then they had sex. The dragon gave her a potion which shortens pregnancy to nine hours. A few hours later they had sex again. Then in the evening as she became ready to birth the child Guy carried her up to the bathtub. The baby was stuck so they got the dragon to stick his tail through the bathroom window and slap it onto her baby to push it out. He did and all they heard was a cracking noise. Guy grew impatient and reached in to pull it out. It wasn't a baby, it was another egg.

GUY: I'm going to crack this egg a little more so the dragon can get out.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Don't you do it.

GUY: I'm going to do it.

Guy cracked the egg and the dragon inside of it was the Dragon of Water. This is Guys least favorite element so he decided to just kill the dragon. He was really tired by then since he hadn't slept at all the night before.

GUY: Hey look, I'm a little tired.

DRAGON OF CHAOS: Why did you kill that dragon?

GUY: Why does it matter? Do you really fucking care about a stupid dragon of water?

DRAGON OF CHAOS: You're so insensitive.

GUY: Fuck off, I'm going to go to sleep. Hey lady, care for another round before bedtime?

LADY: No, you killed my dragon.

GUY: Fuck both of you, fuck your mothers. I'm going to go downstairs.

Guy walked downstairs and crawled into bed and it was there that he once again considered suicide, but he fell asleep instead. When he woke up neither the Dragon of Chaos or the Lady were there anymore. When he went outside he found one of the dragons poops and he started crying. He ended up living in that house for twenty years or so until he decided to head into town to find a wife. He found one and they stayed together all their lives. They were only sort of happy.